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- A Yorkshireman had emigrated to America, but still used to receive news from home by mail. One day, he got the following telegram: 'Regret father died this morning STOP early hours. Funeral Wednesday STOP Yorkshire two hundred and one for six STOP Boycott not out ninety six.'

 

- The captain of a team says to the Umpire, "My players want to know if there is a penalty for thinking." The Umpire says, "No." The captain says, "Well we think you're an asshole, then."

 

- Two pigeons were talking as they stood on the boundary watching the game. 'Now here's what we do,' 'We wait till the bowler runs up and bowls, and then, as the batsman hits it, we suddenly fly up over the stand. It gets the crowd every time!'

 

- The cricketer was visiting the psychiatrist.

 

Cricketer: 'It's terrible. I can't score runs, I'm a terrible bowler, and I can't hold a catch. What can l do?

 

Doctor: 'Get another job.'

 

Cricketer: 'I can't. I'm playing for Australia tomorrow !'

 

- An expectant father rang the hospital to see how his wife was getting on.

 

By mistake he dialled the number for Lord's.

 

"How's it going?" he asked.

 

"Fine," came the answer, "We've got two out already and hope to have the rest out before lunch. The last one was a duck.

 

- Brown and Robinson were two old men who were fierce rivals at cricket. One day, they decided to see who was the better player by having a game between them selves. Brown laboured for an hour to score twelve runs, but was bowled by the only straight ball he received. Both men were exhausted, and Robinson decided that he was too tired to bat and made for the pavilion, even though Brown had only to bowl at the empty wicket and break it to win.

 

As he lay slumped in the pavilion, an amused on looker strolled in and said, 'Congratulations.'

 

'What do you mean?' said Robinson.

 

'Haven't you heard?' said the spectator. 'Brown bowled thirteen wides!'

 

- Two aliens were visiting Earth to research the local customs.

 

They split up so that they could learn more in the time allowed.

 

When they met to share their knowledge, the first alien told of a religious ceremony it had seen.

 

"I went to a large green field shaped like a meteorite crater. Around the edges, several thousand worshippers gathered. Then two priests walk to the centre of the field to a rectangular area and hammer six spears into the ground, three at each end. Then eleven more priests walk out, clad in white robes. Then two high priests wielding clubs walk to the centre and one of the other priests starts throwing a red orb at the ones with the clubs."

 

"Gee," replied the other alien, "what happens next?"

 

"Then it begins to rain."

 

- During a mid-wicket conference in a Test match - Ken Barrington: Let's cut out some of the quick singles. Fred Titmus: OK! We'll cut out yours Ken.

 

- After the ball which Raman Subba Row had dropped off Fred Trueman's bowling had gone for four-Subba Row: I'm sorry about that, it might have been better if I had kept my legs together. Tmeman: Aye, it's a pity your mother didn't!

 

- After the Rev. David Sheppard had dropped a catch off his bowling - You might keep your eyes shut when your praying, Vicar, but I wish you'd keep 'em open when I'm bowling.

Fred Trueman (1963)

 

- Billy Ibadulla had more edges than a broken pisspot.

Fred Trueman

 

-  We have a gaping hole in the England side because Botham has gone. People say Chris Lewis will take his place and I always say, 'What, on the bus to the ground?'

Fred Trueman (1993)

 

- You should treat women the same way as any good Yorkshire batsman used to treat a cricket ball. Don't stroke 'em, don't tickle 'em, just give 'em a ruddy good belt.

Fred Trueman

 

-  On facing the 'quicks'- To have some idea what it's like, stand in the outside lane of a motorway, get your mate to drive his car at you at 95 mph and wait until he's 12 yards away before you decide which way to jump.

Geoff Boycott (1989)

 

- On how to play Shane Warne - My tactic would be to take a quick single and observe him from the other end.

Geoff Boycott (1994)

 

- On South Africa's spinning prodigy Paul Adams coming in to bat at number 7 - A waste of five minutes.

Geoff Boycott, BBC Radio (1995)

 

- Telegram message to Geoff Boycott after he had taken an age to score 50 at Perth - You have done for Australian cricket what the Boston Strangler did for door-to-door salesmen.

Jack Birney

 

- They should cut Joel Garner off at the knees to make him bowl at a normal height.

Geoff Boycott

 

- On his figures of 4 for 362 from 64 overs, when Victoria scored a record 1,107 runs - If that chap in the brown derby hat at the back of the grandstand had held his catches, I'd have had them out days ago ... Very few chances were given, but I think a chap in a tweed coat dropped Jack Ryder near the shilling stand ... It was rather a pity that Ellis got out at 1,107, because I was just striking a length.

Arthur Mailey (1926)

 

-  In women's cricket, there's been an uproar recently, because they've had the Bodyform series - where they're actually aiming at the box.

Lee Hurst They Think It' All Over BBC

 

- It is easier to choose a bat than pick a wife. A bat has a watermark of quality -the grain. The one basic flaw in the otherwise perfect constitution of women is that you can't detect the knots in the grain until it is too late.

Michael Parkinson Bats in the Pavilion (1977)

 

- It's a funny kind of month, October. For the keen cricket fan it's when you realise your wife left you in May.

Denis Norden

 

- The two clubmen were talking. 'So you had a hard time explaining the cricket game to your wife, eh?'

 

'I certainly did. She found out we were rained off at 2.30pm and I didn't get home until 9.00pm.'

 

- James Ormond had just come out to bat on an ashes tour and was greeted by Mark Waugh....... MW : "Fck me, look who it is. Mate, what are you doing out here, there's no way you're good enough to play for England" JO : "Maybe not, but at least i'm the best player in my family"

 

- McGrath to Ramnaresh Sarwan: "So what does Brian Lara's dck taste like?" Sarwan: "I don't know. Ask your wife." McGrath (losing it): "If you ever effing mention my wife again, I'll Fing rip your Ffing throat out."

 

- Yet another Australian witticism with this time porky Sri Lankan batsman Arjuna Ranatunga the victim. Shane Warne, trying to tempt the batsman out of his crease mused what it took to get the plump character to get out of his crease and drive. Wicketkeeper Ian Healy piped up, "Put a Mars Bar on a good length. That should do it."

 

- Ravi Shastri v/s the aussie 12th man .Shastri hits it to this guy and looks for a single...this guy gets the ball in and says "if you leave the crease i'll break your effing head" Shastri: "if you could bat as well as you can talk you wouldn't be the effing 12th man"

 

- Malcolm Marshall was bowling to David Boon who had played and missed a couple of times. Marshall : "Now David, Are you going to get out now or am I going to have to bowl around the wicket and kill you?"

 

- Daryll Cullinan & Shane Warne: As Cullinan was on his way to the wicket, Warne told him he had been waiting 2 years for another chance to humiliate him. "Looks like you spent it eating," Cullinan retorted.